I married Joan, what a girl, what a world, what a life.
Oh, I married Joan, what a mind, love is blind, what a wife.
Being gay all day she keeps my heart laughing, never know where her brain has gone.
Can't deny that's why I married Joan.
The Joan Davis Show, I Married Joan, America's favorite comedy show.
Starring America's queen of comedy, Joan Davis as Mrs. Joan Stevens.
And featuring Jim Backus as Judge Bradley Stevens.
I married Joan.
La da da dee da da dum ba dee dee, la dum ba da da da.
La da da da dee da da da dum ba da, la dum ba da da da dum.
Ah, good morning you wonderful, wonderful guy you.
Joanie, do you have to be so cheerful?
Oh, how can I help it, being married to sweet darling wonderful you.
Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah.
Well that takes care of my shower this morning.
Oh, breakfast in bed, what did I do to deserve this?
You married me.
Huh?
Yes, this morning I suddenly realized how glad I am that you're my husband.
And after all this time I just occurred to you this morning.
Oh no darling.
Oh honey, that's a good show.
Oh no, honey, I've been glad all the time dear.
But this morning, well I got up very early this morning.
I guess I'm excited about the reunion I'm having with all those old high school girlfriends of mine.
Just think I haven't seen them for fifteen years.
Well anyway, as I was saying, I got up very early and well I was thinking,
would I be as excited about seeing the girls if I couldn't tell them that I was married to a judge?
Oh, I see.
I hope the girls just turn green with envy when they hear that I'm married to a judge.
Well honey, maybe some of the other girls married well too.
Maybe, but to a judge.
Yes, I guess you're right. You know, judges don't grow on trees.
Oh no, no, let me do that for you judge.
No, love her.
Well, it isn't every girl who's lucky enough to land a judge.
Especially, well take Minnie for instance.
She was the flighty one of the bunch.
What were you of the bunch?
Me? Oh, I was the normal one.
Oh darling, I'm just going to be eternally grateful to you for all the wonderful...
Oh, I can't get a hold of it.
But when I walk into that old classroom and meet all the girls, I'm going to be proud of you.
Believe me. Joan, Joan, I'm right here.
Oh, I'm sorry, I've had my breakfast.
Just excited I guess.
Oh, thank you. Thank you for marrying me, you sweet, wonderful, hunk of judge.
Oh, Minnie.
Oh, I love you.
Oh, I love you.
Oh, I love you.
Oh, I love you.
Joan, you're going to be a dummy all your life.
Joan, Gloria.
Oh, oh my every gladness.
You know, I'm married to a judge.
You never could win a judge, Bradley J.
He's awfully young to be a judge.
Let me take a look at you.
You haven't changed a bit.
I want to hear all about you.
What you've been doing, how you've been doing.
I want to hear every little detail.
Did you ever hear of Judge Bradley J. Stevens?
Huh?
The man I married happens to be...
Minnie!
Oh, is this wonderful?
You know, I was thinking...
I made up my mind.
I married to a judge.
I said I was not going to have a judge.
I'm awfully young to be a judge.
Let me take a look at you.
You haven't changed a bit.
Now, as I was telling Gloria, the man I married to happened...
I was looking for a woman.
I never thought it would work out.
Whenever we make a plan like that, it never works out.
Judge Bradley J.
I remember you.
Let me take a look at you.
You haven't changed a bit.
Well, let's all sit down.
I want to hear all about you.
I made up my mind.
I made up my mind.
And now, as I was saying, the man that I'm married to...
You're married, Joanie?
Yes, I am.
Oh, that's wonderful.
How about you, Minnie?
You married?
No, I never found the time.
Me either.
What about you, Gloria?
No, too busy.
You know, I'm just painting.
How do you travel around?
I know.
When you're traveling, you go to the most beautiful places.
I know.
Oh, no.
She came from the States.
I know.
I know.
I know.
I'm very careful.
I've never seen you.
Girl!
What does this say?
Judge.
Judge.
Very good.
Now, speaking of judges, the man that I'm married to happens to be...
Congratulations.
Well, thank you, Minnie.
Yes.
It's my pleasure.
It's my pleasure.
It was wonderful.
It was so fun.
Congratulations, Gloria.
Oh, thank you.
For what?
You mean, you didn't read that Babe Jones was the first person ever to swim across the
Bay of Biscay?
Well, of course.
The papers were full of her.
But what's that got to do with Gl...
Gl...
Gloria?
You are Babe Jones?
What?
You look so different in the pictures with the goggles on and everything.
I didn't recognize...
Oh, my goodness.
Then you're also the national singles and doubles women's tennis champion?
Well, what have you been doing, Minnie?
Oh, you know me, Joanie.
Still fooling around with cosmetics.
Oh, fooling around, huh?
Joanie, do you happen to have a lipstick?
Oh, sure.
Oh, Madame Minette, eh?
Well, of course.
I'm a fan of her.
Oh, I'm a fan of her.
I'm a fan of her.
I'm a fan of her.
I'm a fan of her.
Well, of course.
It's the best.
I wouldn't use anything else.
That a girl.
Joanie, may I present to you Madame Minette.
How do you do...
Madame Minette?
But your name is Minnie.
Well, who'd buy a lipstick called Madame Minnie?
What have you been doing, Marcia?
Oh, working for the government.
Civil service, huh?
You might call it that.
Oh, that's nice.
And you're not married, huh?
No.
Well, then I tell you girls, who I married...
No, Joanie.
No, Joanie.
What did he do?
Well, girls, the man I'm married to happens to be a...
Come in.
Dr. Bronson?
No, there's no Dr. Bronson here.
It's just us girls.
I'm Dr. Bronson, General.
Oh, pardon me.
They told me at your hotel that you'd be here.
The President desires to communicate with you.
President?
What President?
Oh, I'm sorry.
He said he wouldn't need me when I called the White House today.
That President?
I know, but something urgent has come up and he needs your advice.
Um, tell the President that I advise against it.
Yes, Doctor.
And I'll put a call through to him as soon as I get back to my hotel.
Very good, Doctor.
Good day, ladies.
You're that Dr. Bronson of the State Department?
Well, I had a doctor's degree in political science, so I used the title to appear more anonymous.
But you're practically their best diplomatic troubleshooter, their ambassador with our portfolio.
Well, tell us what you've been doing, Johnny.
Yes, with your pep and ability, you must have really made a name for yourself.
Well, I'm President of the Board of, um...
I'm Chairman of the Bureau of, um...
I'm Head of the Department of...
I make great meatballs.
What about an identity of my own?
What on earth are you talking about?
I'm talking about me, Bradley Stevens. That's what I'm talking about.
I don't know what's going on, but Joan, calm down.
You're all upset.
Don't you touch me. Not after the nasty thing you did to me.
The nasty thing? What did I do?
You married me, Brad.
The nasty thing?
Joan, you said you hated me.
Oh, well, I didn't really mean it that way, honey.
You know I love you even though I hate you.
But gosh, Brad, you can't blame me.
If it weren't for marrying you, I might have been a somebody too.
Like some certain other women that I know.
Some certain other women?
Oh, you mean your three high school friends?
Yeah.
Well, they made a mark in the world because, well, they weren't rushed into marriage.
Look, honey, you come over here and sit on old Brad's lap and we'll talk this over.
Well, if I had had half the chance, I could have done just as well as those other girls.
I was just as smart in school as they were.
Oh, now, Joan.
Well, I was too.
Now, you take Minnie Schultz, for instance.
If it hadn't been for me, she would have gotten the lowest mark in algebra class.
You helped her?
Yes.
I got the lowest mark.
Joan.
Well, Jeanette, I know that I could have been a big executive like Minnie.
I just know it.
Well, this is one problem you're going to have to solve yourself.
Yes, dear.
Sure.
If I hadn't been rushed into marriage, I could have been as big a businesswoman as Minnie Schultz.
Madame Jeanette.
I could have been Lady Joan.
Imagine me, head of the largest cosmetic firm in the world, sitting in my office, the largest office in the world.
What power I'd have.
The whole country at my feet.
The largest feet in the world.
Oh, my God.
Yes, this is Lady Joan, sole owner of Lady Joan Cosmetics.
Oh, hi, you prez.
What?
The U.S. Treasury is a little low and you're worried about the budget?
Two billion be enough?
I'm glad to do it.
Glad?
Oh, by the way, one little formality.
What are you putting up for collateral?
Oh, I see.
You'll put up taxes.
But I'm sorry, I'm already holding taxes for what the last boy borrowed.
Yes, Brewster?
The staff is waiting outside for the regular Tuesday business conference, Lady Joan.
Fine, send them in.
Yes, Brewster.
Light me.
Real cool.
Oh, Lady Joan, how can you treat me like this after what we've been to each other?
Please, Brewster, we're about to have a business conference.
Business, business.
Is that all you care about?
All I care about is you.
I love you.
Hopelessly, madly, insanely.
I love you.
Oh, don't you have anything to say?
Yes, what else is new?
Look at you.
So cold, so cruel, so sure of yourself.
The only way you could let yourself go enough to accept a man, to accept marriage.
Oh, silly boy.
I'm a big power in business.
A tycooness.
I'm not a foolish, emotional girl who wants to cook and scrub away her life for a man
and wind up in nothing.
But Lady Joan, I can't go on living like this.
Please, Brewster, one more outburst like that and I shall remove you as vice president
and put you back to your old job.
I, Ralph Plucker, third class.
Good afternoon, Lady Joan.
Uh, staff, I am happy to announce that Lady Joan Cosmetics is now the biggest single business
in the entire world and I am the biggest single business executive.
And why?
Because I'm single.
Ashley.
Joan, what about this shirt?
You know how I hate starch in the collar.
Haven't you any consideration for your husband's wishes?
Husband, starch, shirts?
Why, there must be some mistake.
I'm Lady Joan.
I don't have to worry about husbands and washing shirts and Brewster, throw this bounder out of here.
Staff, remove this fellow.
Oh, Brad.
What about the starch in his shirt?
All right, I'll take care of it.
I'll take care of it.
I could have been a great athlete like Gloria.
Sure.
I used to be as good a swimmer as she was.
Babe Jones.
If I had proper breaks, I could have been Babe Stevens.
One more.
Keep it up, babe, you're doing great.
This is getting pretty monotonous.
I know, I know, babe.
I'll have a hot soup.
How much farther?
You've been in the water for four days.
You passed the Queen Mary this morning.
You should dock in Liverpool tomorrow about three.
Joan, what in the world are you doing?
This salad dressing tastes terrible and the dinner isn't half ready.
Don't you realize a husband has certain rights and...
Oh, Brad, no.
I tasted the salad dressing and it's terrible, it's flat.
It just needs a little salt.
Look, honey, if you want to feel bad about your life all of a sudden, that's your privilege.
Have some consideration for my feelings.
Try and be a little diplomatic.
Be a little diplomatic, huh?
Like Marsha Bronson, I suppose.
Diplomatic.
People used to like me much more than Marsha.
Dr. Bronson.
Gosh, diplomats.
They're all over the place.
London, Vienna, Paris.
Dr. Joan Stevens.
Right?
I'm Bronson.
Glad to meet you, Bronson.
I'm so relieved they've sent you, doctor.
The situation here has become much too difficult for me to handle.
The President of France is waiting to see you.
Lead on, Bronson.
Dr. Bronson, Dr. Bronson, Dr. Bronson.
Monsieur President, may I present Mademoiselle Stevens.
Mademoiselle Stevens, welcome.
My country's greetings, President, and felicitations from my President.
But I can't waste time.
I am here on a special diplomatic mission.
Because whenever the great Joan Stevens without portfolio and M arrives anywhere in the world, history is in the making.
I am honored.
Naturally.
Well, I feel that an international power shift is in the making.
If Similoa moves upon Bessarabia, and Bessarabia moves upon Indorasia, and Indorasia moves upon Pachysteria, and Pachysteria moves upon Ira Bass,
serious repercussions will follow that may be felt in Pasadena.
As serious as that, Mama Zane?
As serious as that.
If you say so.
I say so.
Then it must be so.
Naturally.
And at the same time, due to pressures from these outer fridges and a power squeeze in the middle, France may well become the Pope.
Who determines what must France do?
There is only one thing France can do.
What is that?
Squeeze back.
If you say so.
I say so.
Then it must be so.
Naturally.
Dr. Stevens, a special courier has just arrived with new orders.
Joan, Joan.
You are a special courier with new orders?
And your orders are to come home.
The salad dressing is okay, but what about the rest of the dinner?
Please, I'm in Paris.
I'm in Paris.
Oh, Brad.
That did it.
It's no use, Brad.
I love you too much, not to be honest with you.
Forgive me, but I never should have gotten married.
Well, honey, I love you too much to stand in the way of your happiness.
So you go out and make your mark in the world, and after you're famous, you come back to me.
But before you start out on your new venture, you have to be a good little housewife for one more night and fix a nice dinner.
We're having company.
Company?
Yes, Minnie called.
She and the girls practically invited themselves over for dinner.
Oh, well, I'm glad they're coming.
If they can give me some good advice and start me off.
My last night as a housewife.
Of course, where the line between right and wrong is not carefully drawn.
Then a person like myself, sitting in judgment upon others, must do a lot of soul searching.
A judge must be free of pressure.
Well, girls, I'm turning in my apron for good.
Shh.
Girls, you don't understand.
Brad has released me.
I can now concentrate on making my mark in the world.
No more drudgery for me.
You talk about drudgery.
What do you think I'm up against?
Laboratory breakdowns, advertising budgets, sales meetings, buyers, competitors stabbing you in the back.
At least you get to stay home.
I'm always on the move.
No place to hang my hat.
Protest marches, pickets, sabotage.
On your guard, watch yourself.
Drudgery.
You should talk.
Up every morning at 5 a.m.
Do your road work for two hours.
Breakfast, one lean lamb chop.
Every day the same thing, every day the same lamb chop.
What are you girls complaining about?
Well, what is it that you girls really think?
What?
A man to take care of me.
Me too.
Me too.
What am I crying about?
I've got a man.
Have you, Johnny?
Don't you remember you set me free today?
Oh, that's right, she did.
She certainly did.
Judge, perhaps lunch tomorrow?
Judge, what about dinner?
Save supper time for me.
I'll meet you anyplace you say.
I'll be there too.
I'll be there too.
Now you girls cut that out.
But, Johnny lover, I thought you first wanted to make your mark.
I do.
I'm on you.
I want to thank you girls for coming when I called.
Incidentally, you did a wonderful job of acting.
Who was acting?
Johnny, you're a disloyal man.
You're a doll, Brad.
Johnny doesn't know what a lucky girl she is.
Who doesn't?
Alright, dear.
Good night.
Goodbye, girls. See you 15 years from now.
It's been swell.
Get in there. You were enjoying that, Brad.
I'm married, Johnny. What a girl, what a girl, what a man.
Beauty and gay, all day she keeps my heart laughing.
Never know where her brain has gone.
To reach his own, and be my life what I've very chosen.
To reach his own, and be my life what I've very chosen.